Let’s get real: Family relationships can be some of the most rewarding, but also some of the most challenging. Therapists recently have reported seeing an increasing number of adult children choosing to go "low contact" or "no contact" with their parents. These decisions aren’t made lightly, but they are often a necessary step for mental health and well-being. Whether it’s years of unresolved conflict, emotional manipulation, or simply the need for healthier boundaries, this step can be painful for both sides. However, with understanding and support, healing is possible.
Let’s break this down into a few specific questions: What does it mean when an adult child goes low contact or no contact with a parent? What’s driving these decisions? And most importantly, how can both adult children and parents cope with this painful reality in a healthy way?
What Does It Mean to Go "Low Contact" or "No Contact"?
Low Contact: This refers to a deliberate reduction in communication and interaction with a parent. Maybe the adult child only calls on holidays, keeps conversations short, or avoids deeper topics altogether. It’s a way of maintaining some connection, but with clear boundaries in place.
No Contact: No contact means exactly that—cutting off all communication. This can be sudden or gradual, and it often happens when attempts to set boundaries have failed or the relationship has become too toxic or challenging to manage.
These decisions are generally not about spite or revenge. More often than not, they are in the name of self-preservation. When an adult child believes that their emotional or mental health is at risk because of the relationship, they may decide to pull back or step away completely. It is a complex, deeply personal, and often painful choice.
Facts About Family Estrangement
25% of adults in the U.S. report being estranged from at least one family member, most often a parent.
Among adult children who go no contact, 80% cite emotional abuse, manipulation, or ongoing boundary violations as the main reasons.
70% of adult children who go no contact report feelings of guilt or sadness, even if they believe it was the right decision for their well-being.
Understanding Both Perspectives
From the Adult Child’s Perspective
Let’s talk about what’s really happening here. Adult children who choose to go low or no contact are often protecting their mental health. They’ve likely spent years navigating a relationship that may have been emotionally draining, manipulative, or toxic.
For many, this decision is a last resort after trying—sometimes for years—to set boundaries, communicate needs, or repair the relationship. They are not "bad kids" or selfish; they are prioritizing their well-being, something that’s often necessary for personal growth and healing.
Common feelings adult children may experience:
Guilt: No matter how justified their reasons are, cutting ties with a parent is emotionally heavy. Guilt is often a part of the process, especially with societal pressures to “honor your parents” and prescribed beliefs like “blood is thicker than water.”
Relief: For some, creating distance is the first time they feel like they can breathe. The constant emotional rollercoaster subsides, and relief sets in.
Grief: Even when no contact is necessary, it’s still a loss. Adult children often grieve the relationship they wish they had but never experienced.
Confusion: Many struggle with mixed emotions. Society tells us to cherish family, but what happens when that family is the source of pain?
From the Parent’s Perspective
On the flip side, parents often feel blindsided, hurt, and rejected when their adult child decides to limit or cut contact. In their eyes, this may seem like an overreaction or even a betrayal. They may feel helpless, confused, or deeply sad about the estrangement, especially if they aren’t clear about why it happened.
Common feelings for parents:
Grief: Parents often experience a profound sense of loss when an adult child pulls away. This isn’t just about missing phone calls or visits—it’s mourning the relationship they thought they had, or hoped to have.
Anger and Confusion: It’s common for parents to feel misunderstood or unfairly judged, especially if they don’t see themselves as the "bad guy" in the situation.
Helplessness: Many parents feel powerless when their child goes no contact, especially if they want to fix things but feel shut out.
Shame: Social stigma around family estrangement can make this even harder. Parents often feel embarrassed or ashamed, not knowing how to explain the situation to others.
Coping Strategies for Adult Children
If you’ve gone low or no contact with a parent, first and foremost, give yourself permission to prioritize your well-being. This isn’t about punishing your parent—it’s about taking care of yourself.
Therapy and Self-ReflectionThese decisions come with a heavy emotional load. Therapy is a safe space to unpack feelings of guilt, grief, and anger. Understanding what led you to this point and processing related emotions are key to healing.
Setting Clear BoundariesIf you’ve opted for low contact, be specific about your boundaries. Let your parent know what’s off-limits, whether it’s certain topics, types of communication, or frequency of contact. Boundaries are there to protect your mental health, not to hurt anyone.
Focus on HealingDistance may provide the space you need to heal. Whether you’re reconnecting with yourself, building your own support network, or focusing on your emotional growth, this time is about you. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to go at your own pace.
Forgive YourselfGuilt can be a powerful emotion, but remember: It’s okay to take care of yourself. You are allowed to make decisions that protect your mental health, even if it feels difficult.
Coping Strategies for Parents
If your adult child has gone low or no contact, it’s natural to feel hurt and confused. However, there are ways to cope that can help you move toward understanding and, possibly, reconciliation.
Self-Reflection and AccountabilityEven if the estrangement feels unjustified, take time to reflect on your relationship. Were there unresolved conflicts or patterns of behavior that may have contributed to your child’s decision? This isn’t about assigning blame, but about understanding what might have gone wrong.
Respect Their BoundariesIf your child has gone low contact, respect their boundaries. Trying to push for more interaction or disregarding their wishes will likely lead to further distance. Instead, focus on creating a healthier dynamic within the limits they’ve set.
Seek SupportEstrangement can feel isolating, but you don’t have to go through it alone. A therapist can help you process feelings of grief, sadness, rejection, anger, or confusion. Support groups for parents of estranged children can also offer comfort and a sense of community.
Focus on What You Can ControlIt’s important to let go of trying to control the outcome. Focus on healing yourself, respecting their space, and being open to reconciliation if and when your child is ready. Trying to force resolution can often make things worse.
Allow Time and SpaceRebuilding trust and healing takes time—on both sides. Be patient with the process and give your child the space they need to feel safe. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is step back and allow time to heal the wounds.
Key Takeaway
Low contact and no contact are heavy decisions that don’t come easily, but sometimes they are necessary for emotional survival. Whether you’re the adult child protecting your mental health or the parent navigating the painful reality of estrangement, remember that healing is possible.
For adult children, it’s crucial to acknowledge the emotions that come with these decisions, from guilt to relief to grief. Therapy and self-care are essential tools in finding peace.
For parents, understanding your child’s perspective, reflecting on your role, and giving space for healing are key steps in coping with the changes in or loss of the relationship.
While the path to reconciliation may be long and difficult, and in some cases may never materialize, with time, reflection, and healthy boundaries, there is hope for both sides.
Find a Therapist at Insight & Action Therapy
Are you an adult child considering or have already gone low/no contact? Are you a parent struggling to cope with a child who has gone low/no contact? Reach out to our therapists at Insight & Action Therapy today to get the support you need to deal with the challenging situation of being estranged and find ways to heal.
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